When You Don’t Want To See Yourself

I wrote a post about our winter vacation and when I first wrote it, I left a few visuals out.  And there was only one reason for it.  When I looked at them, all I could see was how big I have gotten.

One was this photo of me and the kids relaxing on the catamaran after snorkeling.  I am sitting and they are laying on me.  I’m right in the middle and, to me, I take up most of the photo.

The other is a video.  The kids and I are dancing around on the boat with King Julien and Gloria.  Fun music and dancing.  But I see me blocking the view of the kids and looking big.

I didn’t include those when I first wrote the post because I was afraid of what others would think.

“Wow, she really looks big”

“She has let herself go”

“How could she let that happen to her”

I didn’t want anyone to see me like this.  I tend to hide away from the camera because of it.

But then I looked again.

In the photo, I am smiling.  It was a good day.  A fun day.  And the kids were having so much fun and tiring themselves out.  We are happy.

In the video T is so excited to be dancing, his newest found fun.  A loves dancing too.  And I love dancing.  We are there together dancing and having fun.  It is great how T is trying hard to learn the Macarena.  We are happy.

I don’t want to hide our fun, I want to share it.

And I don’t want to hide from the fun, I want to be a part of it.

I may not be happy about my weight right now but that is not what is important.

Life is important.  Living it with my family is what is important.

I can work on myself while also being a part of life.  No more hiding.

Just living.



  1. Thanks for linking up with JBE!

    I think this is a difficult thing; we are so critical of ourselves and tend to focus on the parts of ourselves that make us unhappy. I know I do it with photos, too. I like that you looked again and found the joy and happiness in the pictures instead of just the parts of them you didn’t like.

  2. I can totally identify with this, and hide many pictures of me with kids or friends for the same reason. i need to be brave like you. especially feeling it now that Blissdom is coming up and there will be tons of pics. I need to get over myself and have a good time and not be ashamed. Thank you for linking up today!!
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  3. This is powerful and not easy to do. Accepting yourself when you don’t feel like you want to – is hard. I’m so glad you looked past your initial feelings to the happiness – your family loves you, no matter what.

    Thanks for linking up with JBE!
    Missy recently posted…Is Being Nice Enough?My Profile

  4. There are times that seeing myself on the mirror makes me feel sad more especially if I am seeing my self gaining weight and feeling old. But acceptance is the key, I am not getting any younger so laugh lines are just normal.
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  5. I love this post. All too often, we are so hard on ourselves and we put so much pressure to be/feel/look a certain way. I am glad that you are able to reflect on this time in your life as a happy memory. That is always what is most important.

    Thank you so very much for your comment on my post over at Shell’s place. Your words meant so much!

    Hope you are enjoying your weekend. XOXO
    Charlotte recently posted…tides of my life and the rest of it allMy Profile

  6. Aw, hon…I totally understand. Everyone is critical of themselves. I know you have had a long year with different things going on. But I know later on you’ll look back and be glad you had those pictures and video taken, because of those little ones.
    Diane recently posted…Random Friday Five – February 10, 2012My Profile

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