Since I started this blog, I have talked a lot about my migraines. It has been about 15 years now and I’m really just spending a lot of time trying to deal with the pain.
But this post is about the other things I don’t tend to speak freely about. Those things that even people who have known me forever may not actually know about me.
Why don’t I talk about them?
Well, because they are invisible to most. They don’t have an easy way to explain them.
And I think people will think less of me.
It took me a long time to be able to talk to folks about my migraines. Mine aren’t “classic”. Because I tend to slip into what’s called “Chronic Daily Headache” and have some kind of pain pretty much all the time. It is tough to explain that “this headache isn’t bad” and “this one is like an ice pick through my head” and “this one I can mostly function with”, etc, etc. But I eventually didn’t care so much that ordinary people couldn’t understand or relate to what I was feeling in my head and that they couldn’t understand that I (nor the myriad of doctors, etc I’ve been to) did not know WHY I had this pain.
I just did. It just is. And I was finally able to just tell people that I was in pain and it had such and such effect this particular time and I was doing this or that to deal today.
But with these other things, I haven’t gotten that far.
I haven’t been able to say “Hey, I’m in the valley of a major depression right now so I can’t really give a shit about this or that” or “Man, I’m having an anxiety attack right now so I’ll have to deal with whatever you care about later” or “I’m sorry, I simply can’t focus right now so I need to go wind down and reset my brain.”
But I am attempting to get to that point by writing. My beloved blog gives me a place to tell everyone what I am keeping bottled up inside.
So for the next few weeks I will post as part of the Things I Can’t Say Pour Your Heart Out meme and tackle one of these taboo topics. I will pour my heart out with my experience.
And maybe, just maybe, I will be one step closer to feeling like it is OK for me to talk about them whenever I need to.