Katie over at Sluiter Nation wrote a post a while back about how she wouldn’t be the mom that kids couldn’t play with and be around because of sickness or depression. This post has stuck with me since I read it. And there is one simple reason.
I am that mom.
Interestingly enough, it is not the depression or anxiety that usually keeps me from my life. Mostly it is the migraines.
And they don’t always take me away from my kids. Many days I can function through them. But it does impact how I can interact with them.
“Be quieter guys, Mommy has a headache”
“Mommy has to go lay down for a little bit to get rid of her headache, then we can play more”
Recently Hubby told me that when A and T were playing and creating an imaginary world, T had indicated that the moms were “lazy” in this world.
And my heart broke.
Is that how he sees me? He sees Daddy doing many things like dishes and laundry while Mommy “rests”. He sees Daddy get up with them on the weekends because Mommy’s head hurts and she needs a little more sleep.
And he has interpreted that to mean that I am lazy. That moms are lazy.
Also, recently, A has been complaining more about not spending enough time with me. She is pretty clingy to me and we are working on some separation issues. But when I pointed out to her that I see her every day, she responded “I don’t see you that much when you sleep all day”
Hubby and I have tried really hard to make everything “normal” even though I can be so affected by my headaches. But apparently it is not working.
A has also just started processing the concept of death since losing our pug dog back in April. And she tells me she is scared I am going to die while she is in school. I know that is part of her understanding death and has a lot to do with how attached she is to me but I imagine that my issues play into that fear as well.
I don’t want to be that mom.
I am doing a lot of different things to improve my wellness. Those I’ll leave for another post.
I guess there is a positive in all of this. My kids are constantly seeing me work to improve my well-being.
I don’t give up.
And maybe they will realize how strong I actually am.