When a friend of mine turned 39, she wasn’t taking it well. She was grumpy and just not herself. She fully admitted that her feelings about turning 39 weren’t rational. I recall thinking to myself, “what’s the big deal, it’s just another year.”
Well as we hit August and my 39th birthday is looming, I now know EXACTLY how she felt.
I am feeling grumpy about it. Angry, even. And sad. Very, very sad.
Because I am pretty sure I am part Vulcan, I have to try to think through and find some rational and logical reason for these feelings. So I started to think about what turning 39 means to me. How is it different than other years?
And I promptly had 2 panic attacks a few days apart. So it would appear that this birthday coming up is pretty damn important.
When I turned 30, I was pregnant with T and we welcomed him a few months later. Our blended family was expanding. We welcomed A when I was 31. The beginning of this decade of my life was going well.
Then things changed.
After A weaned, my hormones went insane affecting all sorts of things. Then my grandfather died and I was depressed for months. I got hit with anxiety which brought along with it bouts of lightheadedness and vertigo. And, of course, my chronic daily headaches got immensely worse.
So although my 30s started off well and full of hope, by 33 I was descending into a huge hole that I would spend the next 6 years trying to climb out of.
And I am still trying.
So I think the big problem I am having with turning 39 is that I am entering the last year of this decade of my life and the decade has pretty much sucked.
Not to say that there haven’t been good and happy times but there are always storm clouds looming overhead.
A migraine or depressive episode or panic attack can rain on any fun parade at any moment.
And realizing how hopeless that makes me feel, of course, brought on the panic attacks.
So I am trying to find a positive spin on turning 39.
Every day is a new opportunity to make better choices, to improve my life, to try to fix what is broken.
I can keep working to improve my well being in this last year of my 30s and make my 40s a better decade.
I am not hopeless. I can be hopeful.
Twitter: fiercedivablog
says:
39 was rough for me and there were external circumstances that had added a lot of pressure. My husband was out of work, I had just lost my stepdad, who had been my “only dad,” my corporate job was sucking the life out of me and I felt enormous pressure to succeed there since I was the income provider for my home. etc, etc. However, that bottom was a new beginning for me, because I knew I had to find another way to live. I was very fortunate to have found things, ie, yoga and mediation, that gave me the peace of mind and self awareness I needed to look at life in a new way and strike out in new directions.
I hope you find what you need this year to give you that same peace of mind. – whatever that may be tht words for you. You give so much to others through your blogging and by being such a supportive friend. I am here for you and I hope with all my heart that your best years are right in front of you. xo
Twitter: acctodenise
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Thank you so much Ilene. I am so fortunate to have met you as you provide so much support and give me so much to think about. xoxo
Twitter: cyu888
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Oh Denise, I don’t know what to say except that I can relate to much of this. I’ve entered my mid/late 30s with many mixed feelings. My 30s started off much like yours – having my first child and then second but I do think that my hormones ragged in ways that resurfaced emotions and feelings that I had worked really hard to submerge. The past few years have definitely been up and down and I’ve felt more vulnerable to my emotional crazies. But like you say, I can be hopeful too and I feel like I’m starting to (trying to?) make that change consciously over the past year or so. Or at least I rationalize it in my head so that’s gotta count for something, right? I too hope that you are able to find a bit of peace of mind.
Twitter: acctodenise
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I can feel a shift in my thinking that is moving to a better place (I hope). But then I started thinking about my birthday and got all wacky again.
Twitter: donnamcopesams
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You know what? You rock! You made it through all of these trials that blindsided you. As you prepare to enter your 40′s (Not for another WHOLE year, I might add), you are wiser, you know more of what to expect so you can deal better knowing you WILL get through this! Your 40′s are going to be awesome, truly, age is only a number! I mean good Lord, you can still rock purple highlights
.
Twitter: acctodenise
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Yes, I do look good in purple
Twitter: recanddec
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Girl 40′s rock! They have been by far the best for me, and don’t forget, it is only a number! You will be amazed when you arrive at 40! You will be fine, promise!
Twitter: acctodenise
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Thanks! I hear 40s can be good. Hard to believe right now but I’ll try
Well, I guess since the majority of the decade sucked, perhaps you saved the best for last?
Trying to help – besides you will have to remember this in a year and a half when I will post a similar rant. lol
Twitter: acctodenise
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Let’s hope this next year is the best. And I will share all the wisdom I learn when you get here
Thank you for these words of hope and change. I will be turning 50 in a couple of months. My life its not what I envisioned it would be at this point. Divorced, raising 3 grandchildren ( which I love with all my being ) financially in the gutter. There are to many days walking around depressed and fearful of what the next decade will bring. I will be putting a note on my mirror to see daily “I am not hopeless but hopeful and everyday is a new opportunity “
Twitter: acctodenise
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Aw, thanks Di! I’m glad I could give you some words of hope. I am a much better cheerleader for others than for myself. Look at those cute grandchildren and know that it will be better.
yes- you can be hopeful! A whole new decade might signal a change. A decade of awesome.
For some reason, I was cranky when I turned 29. Thinking it was the end or something. How I look back and LAUGH.
Twitter: acctodenise
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I like that. 40s will be the decade of awesome! I really want to take this next year and turn things around. Feel like I am getting ahead of the game instead of falling more and more behind.
Twitter: redheadedjen
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Happy Birthday! I turn 39 in November. We can and will enjoy our last year of our 30s.
Twitter: acctodenise
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I still have a couple more weeks but thanks!!
Twitter: JoynessSparkles
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Thank you for this. It was so nice to see your feelings and thoughts written out about this topic. As of right now, I don’t forsee trouble with turning 39, but you just never know. I appreciate your honesty.
***Stopping by from SITS, have a wonderful week!
Twitter: acctodenise
says:
Thanks for stopping by!