When a friend of mine turned 39, she wasn’t taking it well. She was grumpy and just not herself. She fully admitted that her feelings about turning 39 weren’t rational. I recall thinking to myself, “what’s the big deal, it’s just another year.”
Well as we hit August and my 39th birthday is looming, I now know EXACTLY how she felt.
I am feeling grumpy about it. Angry, even. And sad. Very, very sad.
Because I am pretty sure I am part Vulcan, I have to try to think through and find some rational and logical reason for these feelings. So I started to think about what turning 39 means to me. How is it different than other years?
And I promptly had 2 panic attacks a few days apart. So it would appear that this birthday coming up is pretty damn important.
When I turned 30, I was pregnant with T and we welcomed him a few months later. Our blended family was expanding. We welcomed A when I was 31. The beginning of this decade of my life was going well.
Then things changed.
After A weaned, my hormones went insane affecting all sorts of things. Then my grandfather died and I was depressed for months. I got hit with anxiety which brought along with it bouts of lightheadedness and vertigo. And, of course, my chronic daily headaches got immensely worse.
So although my 30s started off well and full of hope, by 33 I was descending into a huge hole that I would spend the next 6 years trying to climb out of.
And I am still trying.
So I think the big problem I am having with turning 39 is that I am entering the last year of this decade of my life and the decade has pretty much sucked.
Not to say that there haven’t been good and happy times but there are always storm clouds looming overhead.
A migraine or depressive episode or panic attack can rain on any fun parade at any moment.
And realizing how hopeless that makes me feel, of course, brought on the panic attacks.
So I am trying to find a positive spin on turning 39.
Every day is a new opportunity to make better choices, to improve my life, to try to fix what is broken.
I can keep working to improve my well being in this last year of my 30s and make my 40s a better decade.
I am not hopeless. I can be hopeful.