Mental Health Archives - According to Denise

Side Effects Can Suck It

24 Feb By Denise

Over the course of about 17 years of searching for the perfect medicines for my various ailments it has become abundantly clear that my body has serious issues with medication. It does not particularly like when foreign substances are introduced to it. And my body shows its dissatisfaction with my relentless attempts to cure what ails me by making any possible treatments worse than what it is treating.

Whenever you get a new medication it comes with a nice long list of warnings and possible side effects. It is quite baffling that we have so many pills for various issues and they all have a lot of the same side effects. Dry mouth, weight gain, weigh loss, dizziness, headache, tingling in your fingers, etc, etc, etc. I mean, how crazy is it that I get a medication to treat my headaches that has headaches as a side effect?

I think it is worth mentioning that my own body has yet to choose a side effect like weight loss to tell me how much it hates medication. This is one of the reasons I believe it is a plot against me. Never do I get what might be a useful side effect.

So let’s touch on a few of the lovely side effects I’ve had the pleasure of enduring.

Headache

Like I said, this one is crazy. Most of the medications I’ve taken are for preventing my Chronic Daily Headache so when I read over and over again that these meds can cause headache I just shake my head and sigh. I’ve had a few that immediately make my headaches more frequent and severe which is exactly the opposite of what they are supposed to do. Sometimes I’ve been told to wait it out and see if it is just something that will go away. That’s one of the awesomely annoying things about side effects, they may only last a little while and so you are supposed to wait around and see if they get better and then you get the good effects of the medicine.

Dry Mouth

Honestly this one is the mildest one. It does have a good aspect of making you drink more water which is good for everyone, right? So naturally I’ve had this one maybe once or twice.

Fatigue

Seriously what mother needs anything to make her MORE tired? I hate when I can barely get up in the morning, especially if the medicine happens to be for depression. I mean what the HELL? Shouldn’t something for depression make me bounce out of bed dancing a jig?

Dizziness

This particular side effect has been the bane of my existence for about 6 years. After having kids, this one has been the most common side effect of pretty much everything I’ve tried. I can’t tell you the number of times I have had to stop driving for weeks as I get past dizziness from one medication or another. And just this last weekend I went to the ER because I spent hours trying to control the dizziness and get my blood pressure back up. Of course they found nothing wrong so I’m pretty sure it was the latest migraine preventative.

Allergic Reaction

I guess I should consider myself lucky this one hasn’t happened more often. About 2 months ago I broke out in a huge and INCREDIBLY ITCHY rash after dealing with 3 weeks of dizziness from a migraine preventative. That’s right, I had one side effect I was waiting out for 3 weeks then WHAMMO, I’m hit with an allergic reaction that makes me quit the stupid medication. What a waste. And it took another week and a steroid to get the damn rash to go away.

Suicidal Thoughts

Honestly this one was the worst. And it was due to a medication for anxiety. How’s that for ridiculous? Luckily I recognized that the thoughts were out of my ordinary and stopped the medication immediately which made my brain back to my version of normal. But that was scary.

Now maybe what I should be getting from all of this stubbornness from my body is that some medication is not the answer for me. I need to find a way to heal myself from the inside. I think deep down I know that is the right thing to be working on. But, of course, it is really hard to heal yourself from the inside when I feel like utter crap all the time. It’s a paradox that you need to exert so much effort when you have so little to give. Even though we all know that if you give that effort, you will get back so much more.

I’m working on believing that wholeheartedly and turning it into action. It’s hard though. Adding all these side effects into the mix doesn’t help either.

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Anxiety, Chronic pain, Depression, Mental Health, Migraine, Working on myself

12 Comments

Finding My Joy

2 Jan By Denise

I have been finding it hard to write lately. A part of myself has felt frozen in time after the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Although outwardly I have been moving forward and on, there is still a part of me so sad and broken over the horror. But I need to write to cope and to let out my thoughts and emotions. There will be a sadness for a long time but I am learning that even though there is sadness and heartache, there is also joy and I need to expend at least as much energy on the joy.

So, being that it is a new year and all that, I have decided to set my focus on finding and feeling my joy wherever I can. I recently went back to therapy because I have been struggling with the dark, cold fingers of depression and anxiety trying to take hold and drag me down. And just as always happens when I start back up therapy, I get schooled on my negative thinking.

Honestly my mind can craft a web of negatively around virtually anything, even something that would look to a normal person as a positive. It’s a gift, or rather, a bloody curse.

I have been actively trying to root out and stomp out my Negative Nancy tendencies and replace them with positive statements, what ifs, things like that. I even checked out a book from library written by the Dalai Lama himself to work on focusing on the positive.

No joke, I am kicking my negativity to the curb.

And, in the process, finding joy where I should have known it always was … right in front of me. Surrounding me everywhere.

I just always had my negative shades on while looking.

So this year will be a journey of finding my joy in the everyday things. Changing my negative thoughts into positive ones.

I figured I have spent so many years wasting my energy on worry, regret, sadness, anger and fear. If I spent even just a fraction of that energy on sending out positive vibes to the universe and finding the joy around me, I would be so much better off. So that is what I intend to do. No more “I can’t”. Everything is “I can”, “I will”, “I am”.

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Getting personal, Mental Health, On my mind, Working on myself

18 Comments

Calm My Crazy: My Brain

28 Sep By Denise

Yesterday I read a post over at Babble by the awesome Cecily Kellogg about living with her broken brain. It really spoke to me because I could see myself in her words.

You guys know about my struggles with chronic migraines, anxiety, depression, ADHD. I write a lot about the pain and emotions. The never ending attempts at relief.

I can get pretty angry about it. Cursing myself. Feeling as if it is all my fault. Hating my brain.

But Cecily spoke to me. Reminded me that my brain is also wonderful.

My brain is logical. It is inquisitive. It makes me good at my job.

My brain makes me empathetic and kind. Loving. A good wife and mother.

My brain makes me who I am.

A strong woman who doesn’t give up.

Check out this post to find out more about the Calm My Crazy meme. This weekly post is for me and for you. A place to share our moment of calm. Something that brings us a little peace and happiness in a world of crazy.

Filed Under: Calm My Crazy Tagged With: ADHD, Anxiety, Chronic pain, Depression, Headache, Meme posts, Mental Health, Migraine, Working on myself

6 Comments

What Is It With 39?

8 Aug By Denise

When a friend of mine turned 39, she wasn’t taking it well. She was grumpy and just not herself. She fully admitted that her feelings about turning 39 weren’t rational. I recall thinking to myself, “what’s the big deal, it’s just another year.”

Well as we hit August and my 39th birthday is looming, I now know EXACTLY how she felt.

I am feeling grumpy about it. Angry, even. And sad. Very, very sad.

Because I am pretty sure I am part Vulcan, I have to try to think through and find some rational and logical reason for these feelings. So I started to think about what turning 39 means to me. How is it different than other years?

And I promptly had 2 panic attacks a few days apart. So it would appear that this birthday coming up is pretty damn important.

When I turned 30, I was pregnant with T and we welcomed him a few months later. Our blended family was expanding. We welcomed A when I was 31. The beginning of this decade of my life was going well.

Then things changed.

After A weaned, my hormones went insane affecting all sorts of things. Then my grandfather died and I was depressed for months. I got hit with anxiety which brought along with it bouts of lightheadedness and vertigo. And, of course, my chronic daily headaches got immensely worse.

So although my 30s started off well and full of hope, by 33 I was descending into a huge hole that I would spend the next 6 years trying to climb out of.

And I am still trying.

So I think the big problem I am having with turning 39 is that I am entering the last year of this decade of my life and the decade has pretty much sucked.

Not to say that there haven’t been good and happy times but there are always storm clouds looming overhead.

A migraine or depressive episode or panic attack can rain on any fun parade at any moment.

And realizing how hopeless that makes me feel, of course, brought on the panic attacks.

So I am trying to find a positive spin on turning 39.

Every day is a new opportunity to make better choices, to improve my life, to try to fix what is broken.

I can keep working to improve my well being in this last year of my 30s and make my 40s a better decade.

I am not hopeless. I can be hopeful.

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Migraine, Stress, Working on myself

18 Comments

Stress is no fun

21 Mar By Denise

Do people still use pressure cookers? I am not much of a cook, obviously, but I remember my mom tossing in the potatoes and roast beef and then putting on the lid and little wobbly knob on top.

As dinner would cook the knob would wobble and steam would escape.

It’s quite brilliant actually

Where can I get one of those knobs for me?

I have been referred to affectionately as a “stress monkey” by my peers.

I have difficulty letting go and letting stressful things roll off me.

I wonder if I was like that as a child? I honestly can’t recall.

But as an adult, I feel like a magnet for stress and I am incapable of letting that go and releasing the pressure.

I have searched for ways to destress and I am honestly trying various things. But I still find that I simmer and simmer and simmer until the stress explodes out and I feel completely broken by it.

I’m looking for my knob.

How do you release some of the pressure?

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Meme posts, Mental Health, Stress, Working on myself

6 Comments

I Struggle with Anxiety

28 Sep By Denise

I’ve always been a worrier. I have a habit of trying to please everyone all the time so I constantly worry about all the what ifs, all the options, want everything to be perfect so that everyone will be happy. It is impossible and logically I know this but I can’t seem to help it.

I’ve always thought of myself as a good friend, a nice person so I believe that everyone should like me. Again, this is not possible. Not everyone will like me no matter what I do. They may not like me for no reason at all. For no reason I could possibly control.

That’s another issue. Control. In this ridiculous quest to make everyone happy and everyone like me, I try to control every situation, every outcome. If I can control it, I can make sure that it all ends up as I want it to. Have I mentioned how impossible these things are?

Once kids came into the picture, a new worry emerged. I guess I always worried about losing people that I cared about but these kids depended on me to be safe. They needed me to protect them.

And that terrified me.

So there I was. A control freak perfectionist trying to manipulate the world and protect my kids.

That is a lot of pressure. And it took its toll.

I had felt anxiety before it moved in for good. When it took permanent residence was a few months after I stopped breastfeeding my daughter and when my grandfather died. It was a double whammy for me. My hormones were completely out of whack and I was hit with grief and another bout of depression.

My body turned on me. At least that was how it felt.

I was getting dizzy everyday. I felt like I couldn’t even do normal, everyday things because I couldn’t stand up straight. My chest would hurt. I couldn’t drive because I was dizzy and was terrified I would black out at the wheel.

I was at a good friend’s wedding when my chest really hurt and my arm felt numb. Hubby and I left and we ended up going to the emergency room.

I really thought I was having a heart attack.

It was there that I found out that I was physically OK, but I was gripped by anxiety.

That was 5 years ago. And I still struggle. I struggle a lot. And I plan to write more about that struggle.

Because it continues …

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Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Anxiety, Getting personal, Meme posts, Mental Health, On my mind

24 Comments

Depression and Anxiety and ADHD, Oh My!

14 Sep By Denise

Since I started this blog, I have talked a lot about my migraines. It has been about 15 years now and I’m really just spending a lot of time trying to deal with the pain.

But this post is about the other things I don’t tend to speak freely about. Those things that even people who have known me forever may not actually know about me.

Why don’t I talk about them?

Well, because they are invisible to most. They don’t have an easy way to explain them.

And I think people will think less of me.

It took me a long time to be able to talk to folks about my migraines. Mine aren’t “classic”. Because I tend to slip into what’s called “Chronic Daily Headache” and have some kind of pain pretty much all the time. It is tough to explain that “this headache isn’t bad” and “this one is like an ice pick through my head” and “this one I can mostly function with”, etc, etc. But I eventually didn’t care so much that ordinary people couldn’t understand or relate to what I was feeling in my head and that they couldn’t understand that I (nor the myriad of doctors, etc I’ve been to) did not know WHY I had this pain.

I just did. It just is. And I was finally able to just tell people that I was in pain and it had such and such effect this particular time and I was doing this or that to deal today.

But with these other things, I haven’t gotten that far.

I haven’t been able to say “Hey, I’m in the valley of a major depression right now so I can’t really give a shit about this or that” or “Man, I’m having an anxiety attack right now so I’ll have to deal with whatever you care about later” or “I’m sorry, I simply can’t focus right now so I need to go wind down and reset my brain.”

But I am attempting to get to that point by writing. My beloved blog gives me a place to tell everyone what I am keeping bottled up inside.

So for the next few weeks I will post as part of the Things I Can’t Say Pour Your Heart Out meme and tackle one of these taboo topics. I will pour my heart out with my experience.

And maybe, just maybe, I will be one step closer to feeling like it is OK for me to talk about them whenever I need to.

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Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: ADHD, Anxiety, Chronic pain, Depression, Getting personal, Mental Health, Migraine, Panic attack

8 Comments

Sometimes I Cry

6 Sep By Denise

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It has been stressful lately. Between stress at home and stress at work, it sometimes feels like there is no place where I can truly relax, truly just be without the feelings of worry and sadness and urgency of life. I must admit that I have turned to the one place that some feel is most impersonal in order to find a bit of myself.

I started blogging because I wanted a way to share the day to day with friends and family by more than just short status updates on Facebook. I realized that I really love to write about our lives and my thoughts. I don’t always have folks commenting on my posts but I feel like there are people out there who read and get me. Some know me in real life and some don’t.

I’ve been connecting on other blogs more now than before. And I am finding that there are many people out there who have some of the same thoughts, feelings, and struggles I do. I haven’t written much about my darker, deeper struggles but I’m finding that when I’m ready, there will be people out there who understand and can connect with what I am writing.

I was inspired by I post I read on Sluiter Nation to admit something dark and personal.

Sometimes I cry. Actually, sometimes I cry a lot. Because I struggle with depression.

Am I always sad? No, not always. But there are hills and valleys with my emotions. I can be happy and fine and then I dip into sad and not fine. It’s something I have to deal with while still being a wife, mother, employee, etc, etc.

And it is hard.

I guess looking at it objectively, you could say that I’m pretty strong to be able to keep going when the depression hits. But I can tell you it doesn’t feel that way.

Read Katie’s post. That’s how it feels.