Working on myself Archives - According to Denise

PYHO: Yoga, Take Me Away

23 May By Denise

Last week I was lamenting over how my dietary changes seemed to be making no difference (or possible making my headaches worse). Over the weekend I spent time away from reality and with several long time girlfriends. We drank and I didn’t limit my diet, I ate whatever I wanted. And for the first time in months, I went a day without having to take a nap or take a med or something else to deal with head pain.

I did have some minor head pain but it wasn’t much.

So what does this mean?

I have no idea. Just another data point in the quagmire of conflicting evidence I have built up over the years trying to isolate the thing that is responsible.

Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe the underlying issue is simply stress. Even when I don’t particularly feel stressed, I bet my stress level is still higher than many years ago when my headaches weren’t so bad.

Maybe I had a good day this weekend because I was able to let go a little. Not worry so much. Just be.

On Monday I made a commitment to myself to do yoga everyday.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I’ve done yoga off and on in the past. I enjoy it and it does have a way of silencing my mind for a short period of time. As I try not to fall on my face or my ass holding a pose while also making sure I breathe, I tend to forget about everything else.

Will this be IT.

Will this help?

Who knows. But it can’t hurt, right?

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Chronic pain, Exercise, Headache, Meme posts, Migraine, Working on myself

PYHO: Diet and Headaches

24 Apr By Denise

After report cards, we take the kids out for a celebratory dinner because they all often do well. This morning I told A and T that we would try to go this weekend when their older brothers are here and that we’d go to Red Robin again. We just went to Red Robin with my parents last weekend so although they love it, they were less than thrilled.

“But Mommy can eat there” was my response.

You see after going both gluten and dairy free, it has become difficult to eat out. I know I will eventually get a groove and be able to branch out, but for right now, I have to stick to what I know is safe.

The kids have taken much pity on me for my dietary restrictions. T says that even if being dairy free might help his migraines or hyperactivity, he would not give up his beloved milk. That is an argument for another day as we have no reason at this point to believe that it could help him.

A told me “being dairy free is the worst thing that could happen to a person.”

Whoa, wait, hold on little girl, stop right there! I took the opportunity to talk about how eating healthier for my particular body’s needs is not “the worst thing” and that there are far more serious issues that others face. It may be difficult for me right now, but change always is difficult.

She agreed that she misspoke and clarified that she just thinks it is hard and wishes I didn’t have to do it. I can understand as I agree.

But that also reminded me of something a friend told me the other day as we discussed dietary restrictions that may help like raw or vegan eating. She said “Having headaches is hard. Cutting out meat and cheese … Not hard.”

And she really is right. All the energy I spend fighting head pain is really hard. It may seem the easier path because it is what I have grown used to but it is not easier. Being healthy and pain-free would be easier if I put forth the energy to get there.

So I have to remember as I grumble to myself about how much I really want to stuff my face with bread and cheese that I am on a journey to find the path that works best for me. What will eventually be the “easier” path.

Because having headaches is hard.

Don’t forget to check out my Minted giveaway!

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Dairy Free, Gluten free, Headache, Migraine, Working on myself

13 Comments

Going Dairy Free

3 Apr By Denise

A month ago I went to a naturopathic physician for the first time. I was looking for an alternative to the never ending cycle of trial and error with pharmaceuticals that I’ve been in for my headaches and other issues. I have felt for years like my body went crazy after having kids and I haven’t been able to figure out how to fix it.

The doctor ordered a bunch of blood work and other tests. While we waited for the results, she recommended certain supplements and changes to my diet that would help get me started back to better health. Although I already took multivitamins, she recommended some with less fillers and extra junk in them.

One of the biggest changes she wanted me to make was to cut out artificial sweeteners. Let’s just say I needed to ween myself off of the diet soda. And I just might have replaced with some regular soda, but hey, I’m trying.

I went back to go over the results of the tests and I found out something I was not expecting. Apparently I have a sensitivity to dairy. All the other foods they tested for were OK, even gluten, but the dairy was pretty clear.

So now I have to figure out how to be dairy free. I’m trying to decide whether I keep excluding gluten or go ahead and add that back while cutting out dairy. I think that may be better so if I feel better, I know it is the dairy.

But how does a cheese addict go dairy-free? Kicking and screaming with a bad attitude, that’s how. I am not looking forward to it at all. I’ve been watchful of what I am eating and as I suspected, there are dairy ingredients in tons of stuff.

The plan is to get shopping this weekend and prepare for the plunge. Wish me luck.

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Working on myself

15 Comments

Gluten Free, Take 2

2 Mar By Denise

It’s been almost 3 years since A, T and I went gluten free for about 3 months or so. We had some improvements, then wondered whether the improvements really stuck and eventually ended up having some gluten free meals but for the most part we ate whatever at that point. For A and T, we don’t limit what they eat anymore.

For me, since I was told I was negative for Celiac, I kept telling myself that I just needed to limit gluten and not eliminate it. There wasn’t any “real” reason to be GF since no test had proved a need.

I am the Queen of Invisible Ailments. I have migraines and anxiety and stomach issues but no physical proof of anything and thus no clear path to fix anything. It is incredibly frustrating.

For about two weeks now I have been completely gluten free again. And this time I have started writing down how I feel. Last time I didn’t do that and I can’t remember anything. Of course.

What I have noticed (and recorded so I remember later) is that I am nauseous much less than before. Even when I have head pain, I am not as nauseous. Meals don’t lead to feeling crappy all the time.

So I’m going to keep eating gluten free and journal about how I am feeling. I need to try to figure out whether it is helping or not. My gut tells me it does (haha, gut, I’m so funny).

Are there other folks out there who have tested negative for Celiac and feel they have a gluten intolerance? How did you figure out gluten was the issue?

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Gluten free, Headache, Working on myself

Side Effects Can Suck It

24 Feb By Denise

Over the course of about 17 years of searching for the perfect medicines for my various ailments it has become abundantly clear that my body has serious issues with medication. It does not particularly like when foreign substances are introduced to it. And my body shows its dissatisfaction with my relentless attempts to cure what ails me by making any possible treatments worse than what it is treating.

Whenever you get a new medication it comes with a nice long list of warnings and possible side effects. It is quite baffling that we have so many pills for various issues and they all have a lot of the same side effects. Dry mouth, weight gain, weigh loss, dizziness, headache, tingling in your fingers, etc, etc, etc. I mean, how crazy is it that I get a medication to treat my headaches that has headaches as a side effect?

I think it is worth mentioning that my own body has yet to choose a side effect like weight loss to tell me how much it hates medication. This is one of the reasons I believe it is a plot against me. Never do I get what might be a useful side effect.

So let’s touch on a few of the lovely side effects I’ve had the pleasure of enduring.

Headache

Like I said, this one is crazy. Most of the medications I’ve taken are for preventing my Chronic Daily Headache so when I read over and over again that these meds can cause headache I just shake my head and sigh. I’ve had a few that immediately make my headaches more frequent and severe which is exactly the opposite of what they are supposed to do. Sometimes I’ve been told to wait it out and see if it is just something that will go away. That’s one of the awesomely annoying things about side effects, they may only last a little while and so you are supposed to wait around and see if they get better and then you get the good effects of the medicine.

Dry Mouth

Honestly this one is the mildest one. It does have a good aspect of making you drink more water which is good for everyone, right? So naturally I’ve had this one maybe once or twice.

Fatigue

Seriously what mother needs anything to make her MORE tired? I hate when I can barely get up in the morning, especially if the medicine happens to be for depression. I mean what the HELL? Shouldn’t something for depression make me bounce out of bed dancing a jig?

Dizziness

This particular side effect has been the bane of my existence for about 6 years. After having kids, this one has been the most common side effect of pretty much everything I’ve tried. I can’t tell you the number of times I have had to stop driving for weeks as I get past dizziness from one medication or another. And just this last weekend I went to the ER because I spent hours trying to control the dizziness and get my blood pressure back up. Of course they found nothing wrong so I’m pretty sure it was the latest migraine preventative.

Allergic Reaction

I guess I should consider myself lucky this one hasn’t happened more often. About 2 months ago I broke out in a huge and INCREDIBLY ITCHY rash after dealing with 3 weeks of dizziness from a migraine preventative. That’s right, I had one side effect I was waiting out for 3 weeks then WHAMMO, I’m hit with an allergic reaction that makes me quit the stupid medication. What a waste. And it took another week and a steroid to get the damn rash to go away.

Suicidal Thoughts

Honestly this one was the worst. And it was due to a medication for anxiety. How’s that for ridiculous? Luckily I recognized that the thoughts were out of my ordinary and stopped the medication immediately which made my brain back to my version of normal. But that was scary.

Now maybe what I should be getting from all of this stubbornness from my body is that some medication is not the answer for me. I need to find a way to heal myself from the inside. I think deep down I know that is the right thing to be working on. But, of course, it is really hard to heal yourself from the inside when I feel like utter crap all the time. It’s a paradox that you need to exert so much effort when you have so little to give. Even though we all know that if you give that effort, you will get back so much more.

I’m working on believing that wholeheartedly and turning it into action. It’s hard though. Adding all these side effects into the mix doesn’t help either.

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Anxiety, Chronic pain, Depression, Mental Health, Migraine, Working on myself

12 Comments

Finding My Joy

2 Jan By Denise

I have been finding it hard to write lately. A part of myself has felt frozen in time after the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Although outwardly I have been moving forward and on, there is still a part of me so sad and broken over the horror. But I need to write to cope and to let out my thoughts and emotions. There will be a sadness for a long time but I am learning that even though there is sadness and heartache, there is also joy and I need to expend at least as much energy on the joy.

So, being that it is a new year and all that, I have decided to set my focus on finding and feeling my joy wherever I can. I recently went back to therapy because I have been struggling with the dark, cold fingers of depression and anxiety trying to take hold and drag me down. And just as always happens when I start back up therapy, I get schooled on my negative thinking.

Honestly my mind can craft a web of negatively around virtually anything, even something that would look to a normal person as a positive. It’s a gift, or rather, a bloody curse.

I have been actively trying to root out and stomp out my Negative Nancy tendencies and replace them with positive statements, what ifs, things like that. I even checked out a book from library written by the Dalai Lama himself to work on focusing on the positive.

No joke, I am kicking my negativity to the curb.

And, in the process, finding joy where I should have known it always was … right in front of me. Surrounding me everywhere.

I just always had my negative shades on while looking.

So this year will be a journey of finding my joy in the everyday things. Changing my negative thoughts into positive ones.

I figured I have spent so many years wasting my energy on worry, regret, sadness, anger and fear. If I spent even just a fraction of that energy on sending out positive vibes to the universe and finding the joy around me, I would be so much better off. So that is what I intend to do. No more “I can’t”. Everything is “I can”, “I will”, “I am”.

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Getting personal, Mental Health, On my mind, Working on myself

18 Comments

Calm My Crazy: Let It Go

23 Nov By Denise

You may have noticed that this month on Fridays my Calm My Crazy meme basically disappeared. I didn’t really intend to have it go away silently. But this month has been a little extra crazy.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and have been trying to reset my priorities. I’ve been very overwhelmed attempting to do everything I want to and that leads to neglecting those things to which I need to attend.

I have realized that I prefer to link up with the memes hosted by others more than I like hosting my own. So, with that realization, I decided that I needed to practice letting things go and, sadly, this meme is one thing to let go.

I created the meme to force myself to write about something good, happy, calming each week but really that only added unnecessary pressure on myself. I can reflect on the good without writing about it or I can simply be in the moment with my family and enjoy it. That seems more important to me than making myself write each Friday.

This space is a gift to myself. A place where I can freely express my thoughts and feelings. I don’t need to create rules for myself to follow as that takes some of the fun out of it.

So I will let it go. Say goodbye. And that will help to Calm My Crazy.

Filed Under: Calm My Crazy Tagged With: Blogging, Meme posts, On my mind, Working on myself

4 Comments

Calm My Crazy: The Dreaded Exercise

19 Oct By Denise

If I’m being totally honest with myself, I will have to grudgingly admit that exercise calms me. And I’ve ranted and raved here before about all my struggles with getting off my ass and exercising.

Recently a friend said something on Facebook about how you never regret exercising. I have to also admit that this is true.

I am fairly certain that I have never finished exercising and thought to myself “Wow, I really wish I hadn’t done that, I feel just terrible now.”

I have worked out when feeling a bit under the weather and even when I have been battling a migraine (though not a debilitating one). And I still haven’t regretted exercise.

So, you think this post would end with me promising myself (and you) that I will starting moving, I will start exercising. But I know better than that. I’m tired of breaking promises to myself and others.

So I won’t promise. But I will try. Again. And again. And again.

And forever, I will try. I always try. Never give up.

Check out this post to find out more about the Calm My Crazy meme. This weekly post is for me and for you. A place to share our moment of calm. Something that brings us a little peace and happiness in a world of crazy.

Filed Under: Calm My Crazy, Health and Wellness Tagged With: Exercise, Meme posts, Working on myself

6 Comments

PYHO: Sometimes you have to up your meds

10 Oct By Denise

There has been a lot of struggle, tragedy and sadness lately. Some close and some far. I have a heavy heart for so many people lately.

For myself, I have been struggling as my anxiety and depression creeps back in. Who knows which came first, the sadness I’ve been seeing or the sadness I’ve been feeling. It doesn’t matter really.

I know that I have to step back and look at how I’m coping. Sometimes I can handle a little extra stress and sometimes I just can’t.

Honestly I hate taking medications. You would find that funny if you could see the pharmacy of crap I take for various things and my history of trying pretty much everything under the sun for my chronic migraines. I seem to be über sensitive to the side effects of most things. And, just for kicks, my body can come up with new and doctor stumping side effects. Like when an ADHD medication caused frightening suicidal thoughts and my doctor had never heard of that happening before but once I stopped the medication, they were gone.

So I try to avoid changes in medication or supplements as much as possible.

But after crying in two different neurologist appointments, I had to admit that, sometimes, you just have to up your meds.

So at my next psyche appointment we talked about options and decided a small increase would be good. It’s been about a week and a half and I can feel that it is taking the edge off a bit more that it was before.

I am still having nightmares though and trouble sleeping. I feel like there is still a cloud that I can’t shake yet.

But we’ll see how it goes. I have gotten pretty good a paying attention to my body and mind. Writing out my thoughts and feeling in this space has helped me to understand myself better.

It’s a journey, this life thing. Ups, downs, loops. What a ride.

Filed Under: Health and Wellness Tagged With: ADHD, Anxiety, Chronic pain, Depression, Getting personal, Headache, Meme posts, Migraine, Stress, Working on myself

14 Comments

Calm My Crazy: My Brain

28 Sep By Denise

Yesterday I read a post over at Babble by the awesome Cecily Kellogg about living with her broken brain. It really spoke to me because I could see myself in her words.

You guys know about my struggles with chronic migraines, anxiety, depression, ADHD. I write a lot about the pain and emotions. The never ending attempts at relief.

I can get pretty angry about it. Cursing myself. Feeling as if it is all my fault. Hating my brain.

But Cecily spoke to me. Reminded me that my brain is also wonderful.

My brain is logical. It is inquisitive. It makes me good at my job.

My brain makes me empathetic and kind. Loving. A good wife and mother.

My brain makes me who I am.

A strong woman who doesn’t give up.

Filed Under: Calm My Crazy Tagged With: ADHD, Anxiety, Chronic pain, Depression, Headache, Meme posts, Mental Health, Migraine, Working on myself

6 Comments

PYHO: Yoga, Take Me Away

PYHO: Diet and Headaches

Going Dairy Free

Gluten Free, Take 2